Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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