the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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