I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
