If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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