Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
