i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
