I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The adults are the big ones right?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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