wanna go halves on a baby?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
