you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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