I think I won the penis lottery.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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