the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
