Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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