You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I supernannyed him into submission
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
