i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
