you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
