I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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