I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
