I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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