For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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