First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
