Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Your penis caused this!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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