This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
