Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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