Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
