Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
