just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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