I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
