A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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