it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
