im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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