you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
