I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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