so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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