I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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