just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
