I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
