Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
