Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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