why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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