I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
