her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
