My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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