she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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