I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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