I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
