i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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