Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
