Having a random hookup so left but love u
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
