She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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