Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
