Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this just has baby written all over it
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
